Here are the speeches we hope the candidates give tonight following the official results.
Good evening, Canada. Bonsoir mesdames et messieurs. [LONG PAUSE] Ah, screw it. You gotta be f*cking kidding me. Seriously, Canada? Are we really living in a country where experience and intelligence is trumped by the ability to smile for a bazillion selfies? That's right, kids! You too can drift from place to place, until you find a wrecked political party that has lost it collective mind and replaces a Rhodes Scholar and former premier NOT with an astronaut... NOT with a constitutional professor... but with an [MUTTERS SOMETHING]. What a great country! I'm outta here. So long, suckers.
Look, I knew some Canadians didn't support us. We knew this election would be tough. I didn't realize the hard feelings were so intense that Canadians would elect Zoolander just to get rid of me. I apologize to all Canadians for what has happened. In particular I want to apologize to the Liberal Party and the Liberal caucus who will have to manage an inexperienced, error prone leader. Believe me. I know. I had to deal with Peter MacKay and Maxime Bernier for 10 years. If anyone needs me, I'll be sitting alone in my study muttering "I told you so" as I watch this slow-motion train wreck unravel. If anyone knows where to buy weed in Calgary, please text me.
Friends, this has been an amazing journey from 24 Sussex, to Brébeuf, to meandering around in my 20s and 30s, to trading on my name, and now back to 24 Sussex! Over the next four years we will find modest deficits. We will find the root causes of terrorism. And we will find a way to back out the unrealistic spending promises in our platform. Thank you all. And finally, I want to thank the person behind the scenes who helped make all this possible... I love you, I kiss you, Jojo!